“Hey man! It’s me, Marty. Heh heh, yeah, I just got out and I’ve been trying to call you, but my Nokia 3360 isn’t working. Anyway, this nice person [terrifying smile] loaned me a, uh, smartphone(?), but, man, I don’t think I could buy one because it was so hard to remember what I was doing once the screen lit up. How have you been, man? Crazy to think it’s been 17 years!
Anyway! Listen, let me get to it. I only have 6 weeks to live. I am feeling broody; need to find a babe, get married, and have kids, all while not getting murdered by a house cat, so I was calling to see if my number one wing man can help me out again! What do you say? Should we meet later, have a quick catch up over some Freedom Fries and…
What? Really? But what about not helping us get those weapons of mass destruct….
Oh shit. A war criminal? Okay. Wow. I didn’t know… Sorry. My point is — let’s go out, you know, like the good ole days: just two metrosexuals out picking up chicks!
Oh. I see. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. It does seem weird to say it now that you mention it, yeah. It’s not like I’m attracted to mass transit systems. Just women. But, uh, let’s get some food. What are you in the mood for?
Do I still love tacos? Haha, that’s like asking me if my favorite athlete is still Lance Armstrong!
What? Stripped of his titles? Okay. That’s a lot to process. Yeah, I guess you never really can know someone. But yeah, tacos sound great. What if I come to your place and we stay in and watch… Oh man, what was that show on TLC where they give sad people sexy makeovers, with the hot host?
YES! What Not to Wear! What’s hottie Stacy London up to these days? Man, I really wanted to…
What do you mean she has a girlfriend? You’re telling me Stacy London is a Lesbian? Like a lesbian-lesbian? Fuck, is that what lesbians look like now?
Heeeeeeeey, alright, I mean, I love lesbians! But you know what lesbians really need? [Points the four arms not holding the phone at himself] THIS GUY.
Oh, I see. Yeah, now I hear it, you’re right. I shouldn’t talk that way about lesbians. They are people and do not exist just for my sexual pleasure. I have a lot of respect for lesbians. A lesbian once rescued me from being tortured by her cat. Yeah, they’re great. Wow. A lot has changed since I went underground, but it’s cool, I can adapt. I’m capable of evolving. It’s SCIENCE! Haha, yeah, asking if I’m capable of change is like asking if Pluto is a planet.
What the fuck man, really? So there are only 8 planets in the solar system now? Wow, did I miss anything else?
What do you mean disappear? Are they still looking for it? How could a plane just… disappear?
It’s been HOW many years?
This is a lot. Listen, I’m feeling a little out of it. Probably gonna head to your house just to sit down and take all this in, but while I’m there, I’ll need to look at my portfolio so I can do some financial planning ahead of starting a family. Yeah, at least I’ll get some good news seeing how Bear Sterns is performing.
You know what, I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Listen, I wish I could say it’s been great catching up, but you assholes really fucked all this [wild gesturing] up. I’m going to see if I can fly into someone’s negroni and kill myself. Good luck with this shit.
HEY, FUCK YOU MAN, YOU DO NOT SHAKE A NEGRONI.”